New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
