How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
