On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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