ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
