Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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