booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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