Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
