Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
