I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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