if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you never un-have a 4some
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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