Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My penis needs a shock collar
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
