Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
