You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
