My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
