Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
