Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize