508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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