Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
