And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
