Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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