It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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