sarcasm needs its own font
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
