i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
