its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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