Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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