For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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