DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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