Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
