he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
