Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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