this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
