Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
