1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
