I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
