Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
