Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
