I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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