The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize