Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize