you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
