i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
