So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
