Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
