Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
