My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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