just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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