So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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