well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
