i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
