just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
