she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
