so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
