Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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