My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
