well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
