youre lurking in front of me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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