do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
